The Green-Eyed Monster

Hey Party People,

Anyone ever felt jealous in their life? Hello, this girl…

The green-eyed monster, as it’s often referred to, can wreak havoc on your heart, your mind, and your relationships. And to be clear this doesn’t always show up in romantic relationships but can also show up in friendships or family dynamics as well. For the purposes of today though my focus will be on romantic relationships. I think most of us will relate to that experience as the most common.

So where do these feelings freaking come from? What is it that says guys can’t be friends with girls, or girls can't be friends with guys? Can we be friends with an ex or is that also taboo? Are these notions just something I’ve struggled with over the years or have you lived through them too? Where did they come from, where did they start?

I think everyone is a bit different in their views and experiences around jealousy, but at least for me, it's an intense emotion. Why does it consume our thoughts, and why does it cause such a gut-wrenching feeling in our bodies? It often makes us do crazy shit we wouldn’t normally do, its like all rationale gets thrown out the window. Logic, what’s that? The emotional part of us takes OVER…

I’ve been fighting with the green eyed-monster recently, and have many times in the past, and I’m still not winning the fight. In order to fight it and fight back, I have to dig into why it reels its ugly head in the first place. Why am I reacting to a situation or being triggered by a person? I don’t have the answers yet but believe me, party people, this is NOT an easy task when you’re already deep in the pits with that monster.

The crappy thing about this dang monster is how much energy is sucks out of you. It takes up so much space in our head and our heart and it accomplishes nothing! It’s not worth it. By focusing our attention on a person, or situation we DON’T want, we are actually feeding energy to it and giving it more power. (I wish I had some sort of comic bad guy reference to insert here but it's not coming to me haha) Ultimately though what we focus on we attract and who wants to attract jealousy? So it becomes even more important to figure out where these feelings come from. It’s not helpful to blame your partner or another person for this monster showing up in your life. Your jealousy is about your feelings and no one else has control over how you feel except for you. So we have to figure out where it comes from.

So where was this green-eyed monster born, why does he show up and how do you beat him? Here are a few experiences and feelings that I’ve experienced.

1.    WE FEEL THREATENED. 

When you’re dating someone and they have a tight friendship and connection with someone of the opposite sex, its natural to feel threatened, actually biologically we are programmed to feel this way. We feel threatened that this other person might take our place and when we are investing in a romantic relationship, we are investing a lot of ourselves. When we are presented with a threat, or perceived threat, to our relationship we enter fight or flight mode. For me, at least in the past, when I enter this mode I run. I’m not a fighter, rather I run for what I know, and where I feel safe. That’s where single Sara lives and thrives–  or so she has in the past. Now I’m in battle with myself and trying to internalize that I don’t have to fight at all, that there are many other things at play here… que #2.

2.    WE ARE WORRIED WE ARE NOT ENOUGH.

When something is good, feels good, and is going smoothly, we naturally think, “this is too good to be true,” let’s sabotage this. We do this so much more than we realize and it happens unconsciously (until we begin to understand our own patterns). This reaction often stems from feelings of unworthiness. We don’t believe we are enough to have everything we want, or a partner that is invested in us, which causes us to fear our partner leaving –> Enter threatening friend/ex-partner/co-worker. We think this external person is better and we are less and our partner clearly wants them more. Well they don’t. This is often our own feelings of unworthiness talking and us creating a situation in our minds that is simply… Made Up. So when youre feeing this way, ask yourself, is this true, or is this is a lie I am telling myself? Look for the facts, not your insecurities.

3.    WE COMPARE AND COMPETE. 

Comparison is not the rock I want to die on, but dang it do we have to fight this every day in our lives, especially when we are wrapped up in the arms of that green-eyed giant. If your partner has a close friend they care deeply about - that is of the opposite sex, maybe they dated, maybe not, and is ingrained in their day to day life – we will compare our position to theirs. They will have a bond or connection we feel we can’t compete with. So why do we try? That friendship, bond, or relationship is not comparable to the experience you have with your partner. Stop trying to compete and instead focus on your own bond and your own connection. Be everything you are that makes you the best partner you can be. There is only one you, and no one else can be you, so don’t try and compare or compete. You will lose that battle by trying to be someone else.

4.    SET YOUR STANDARDS. 

Do you have set standards in your relationship? This one requires a bit more direct openness with your partner. If you feel uncomfortable with a situation or individual you have to speak up and share what it is, and how you feel. These conversations cannot be delivered with green eyes though, they have to come from your heart. We want to avoid putting our partners in a position where they may feel attacked. Work through these feelings together and most importantly share what you are comfortable with and what you are not. This is also HARD you guys. Its freaking hard to speak up for what we want, especially if we are asking others to change their behaviours or choose us. But if we don’t speak up and choose us, why would our partner?  

5.    PAST EXPERIENCES.

Maybe we’ve been cheated on in the past or our partner had an emotional affair with someone, which leads us to fear history repeating itself. Our past experiences shape our belief systems and how we show up in the present. When something from the past is triggered, we only have our past experience to go on so we assume A+B=C, because that’s what happened last time. What’s different though is that the present is no longer about A+B, it's now about 1+2. What I mean is that our past experience is not our present experience. Unfortunately, though our brains are not wired that way and we will assume our current relationship is an extension of our past experience. We will assume they will hurt us the same way others have in the past because that is what we know. But remember where our focus goes energy flows. Rather than focusing on what has happened in our past, focus on what you have in the present, and the kind of relationship you want now. Shift your energy to what you want. You deserve that fairy tale ending.  

This post was a little longer than normal but like I said in the beginning jealousy in an intense emotion and it can stem from so many things or ALL of the things. Something a friend keeps reminding me lately is that if your partner didn’t want to be with you, they wouldn’t, or if they wanted to be with that other person, they would be. Obviously, there are a few other determining factors here, but ultimately this is 100% true. They are choosing to be with you and you are choosing to be with them. Your relationship is a choice Every….Single….Day. A choice YOU are making, AND your partner is making. Believe in that choice, but make sure you are making one. Believe in yourself enough to know what you want, and trust in your partner that they do too.

You are worthy of being chosen. Here’s your party jam for the week! Something a little groovy after the heavy.

      You Tube >> Don’t Make Me Wait - Locksley

Spotify >>  Don’t Make Me Wait - Locksley

Love y’all! Have a great week! If you like my posts check out the main page to subscribe! You’ll get inspo in your inbox every Monday!

With so much gratitude,

-S