When Positivity Becomes Toxic
Hey Party People,
If you’ve
spent some time in the personal development space you won’t be surprised to
learn that there is an intense focus on being positive, reaching for joy, and
practicing gratitude. This blog itself is called the Attitude is Gratitude, and I’ve
taken a deeper look at what gratitude means for me and my platform after
gaining insight into this week's topic – Toxic Positivity!
I always
strive to be conscious of how I am showing up in my posts and do my best to share
from an authentic space. I want to own that life isn’t always sunshine and
butterflies but that it can also be chaotic and uncertain. That’s real, but at
the same time, it's really easy to get caught up in the culture of positivity
because we think that’s what people want and need to hear. That might not be
entirely true.
Ok, so what
is toxic positivity?? Toxic positivity is a forced or false portrayal that
everything in life is peachy keen. It shows up when we are pretending to be
happy or when we push them harder feelings aside. This isn’t a healthy practice
because it deters us from feeling the lows that life brings, and learning the
lessons that those experiences offer.
A mantra that
my previous mentor Rachel Hollis uses was, “act how you want to feel.” She gets
you to clap and repeat that mantra like it's a switch and you can just turn on
the happy or choose a new mood. Another practice she uses is a countdown. You
count down from 5 and then force yourself to move, dance, or jump up and down
to create energy. Now in some ways, these kinds of practices can work and they can
shift our moods at the moment. I’m a firm believer that our perspectives and
mindset play a huge role in how we feel from moment to moment. I also still
believe that it's possible to shift from a lower vibration to a higher one
simply by choosing to.
These
mantras and practices become toxic when we don’t come back to feelings we
push aside. We can’t outrun these less desirable feelings or thoughts forever
(as hard as we might try – myself included!) Instead, we need to connect and
feel those feels and yeah that might mean having a shitty day. But guess what?
You’re ALLOWED to have a shitty day!
Another area
where I was influenced to act in a very positive way was my previous workplace.
No matter how busy we were or how massive the weekly workload was we put on a
smile. I once loved this leadership characteristic and I adopted it myself. By
choosing positivity and acting bubbly and happy, things didn’t seem as
stressful or overwhelming. But that wasn’t real, not entirely anyway. This
positive environment instead created a reality of how we wished our workplace to
look and feel, rather than how it actually was. What I recognize now is that we
missed the mark in creating space where other emotions could also come forward.
It helped make the workplace super fun, don’t get me wrong, but it limited how
we connected as a team. There wasn’t space to talk about the uncomfortable –
work or personal.
Now I’m not
saying we shouldn’t reach for gratitude and joy, or that a positive work
environment is bad. Not at all. What I’m saying is that we need to allow
ourselves to experience our full range of emotions and not just the “good”
ones. Our emotions are messengers and signposts guiding the way. When we ignore
our emotions or only embrace the high-frequency ones, we miss out on key
information and as a result, limit our human experience.
Here are a few examples to illustrate toxic positivity as work.
1. You live in a household full of people. You have your partner, your kids, maybe siblings, or roommates that you live with, yet you feel alone. What toxic positivity would tell us to do is to be thankful you have these loved ones. To be grateful they are happy, healthy, and near. Toxic positivity tells you that feeling lonely is not a legitimate feeling and to simply get over it. Instead, ask yourself why you are feeling lonely in a house full of loved ones? What this feeling might be telling you is that you are lacking connection or craving intimacy. If we practice toxic positivity we won’t understand or explore the deeper meaning of this feeling and then we can’t fix it.
2. You have all the material things one could need and you don’t want for anything, except you still feel empty. What toxic positivity tells you is to be thankful you have all these things– do you know how many other people don’t have this? You should be grateful. Instead, you might consider that this feeling of emptiness stems from not feeling worthy of the things you are surrounded by. This is a deeper wound that won’t be fixed by more stuff or by pretending we have it all. If you don’t acknowledge the feeling of emptiness you can’t address it.
3. You have a successful business, respectable career or prestigious role yet you’re always stressed and overwhelmed. Toxic positivity tells us first to be thankful we have a job and then to be appreciative that we are in the position we’re in. Do you know how many others would kill to have this role, make this kind of money, or be in your position? But it doesn’t matter how much other people want what you have, what matters is if it is what YOU want. What these feelings of overwhelm and stress might tell you is that deep down you’re unfulfilled. To force ourselves into a role we don’t fit in will only add more stress, and it is going to be hard to make it go away.
These
examples illustrate ways we try to force a better outlook and then miss the deeper
message our emotions are trying to tell us. The practice of toxic positivity
can actually make us more fragile, not stronger as we like to tell ourselves.
We say we are strong because we don’t cry, we don’t need help, or we keep
showing up no matter what. These are stories we tell ourselves to ignore our
feelings and to cover up that we are suffering. These behaviours become defence
mechanisms, avoidance tactics, and they don’t serve us well. Eventually, we will
become numb and miss out on the beautiful and messy human experiences we have
been gifted.
Like I said
I have embraced this positive mentality and put it on a pedestal. This is what
I saw and still see in the personal development space, that gratitude and
positivity are the keys to a happy life. I’ve been taught this practice and now
in some ways, I have to unlearn it. I will still put on a mask and push past
(aka push down), less desirable emotions that come up sometimes. But now I am
more aware that these feelings and emotions are my guides. They carry a message
for me and that instead of shying away I can get curious and be open to feeling
it all. Without these messages, guides, or deep feels we will continue living
that surface life of fake and false happiness.
If you’re
curious and want to learn more about toxic positivity or your emotional
experience check out this great podcast with Brene Brown and Dr. Susan David
called the Dangers of Toxic Positivity. That is part one of a two-part
conversation.
And don’t
you think for a minute I won’t also leave you with a party jam, because music
is life and no matter our mood there is a jam that can meet us where we are at.
Today’s jam is one that I listen to when I need to get up in my feels.
With
Gratitude
-S
P.S. I have
a small favour to ask of you. If you liked this post or any other previous ones I would be so thankful if you could share it with someone else who you think would benefit! We all need new things
to spark a different way of thinking and maybe this is it. I wish is simply to reach more people and provide insights that might help them learn more about who
they are meant to be.
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