I Don't Get An Opinion

Hey Party people,

Remember those tiny little gremlins in our head I wrote about a couple weeks ago. That voice that tries to kill your dreams and feeds your excuses? Well they are wreaking havoc in my mind as I strive to become a better version of myself, and share it with others.

I keep saying to myself that what I have to say doesn’t matter.

My opinion carries no weight.

No one cares what I share.

I'm not struggling...so I don’t get an opinion!

Its this never-ending loop of these tiny little gremlins that are growing into gargoyles. (Don’t ask where these analogies came from, I really don’t know myself haha). These negative thoughts discourage me and plant seeds of doubt and unworthiness. And its unfair the power these words have on my mindset. Fortunately, or unfortunately, these words only have the power I give them. Do you have tiny little gremlins eating away at you too?  

As I go through each day and each week of this pandemic I’ve been trying to share my experience and spread positivity. I chose to do this to help lift others up but I find myself feeling guilty for doing well, for feeling good. I find myself feeling guilty for feeling positive because SO MANY others are struggling. Others are losing their businesses and jobs, living in abusive homes, have lost loved ones, and have uncertainty around anything and everything. The list goes on, and here I am spitting positivity, with job security, a safe place to live, and “not a care in the world.” I feel guilty that I’m not struggling in the same ways as so many of you.

What’s even worst is that I can feel myself trying to self sabotage my happiness, or my good habits (that are a huge part of why I’m thriving) because I think I should be struggling too. Some of you might read that and think that’s stupid, why would you sabotage yourself, or why would you feel guilty for being happy, others would kill for your position right now.

The actions of self-sabotage aren’t conscious. I’m only aware because I’ve grown to know myself and my triggers. For example, I just came off the high of an extremely fulfilling weekend (See last post – Leadership is For Everyone) and I was PUMPED up to reach others and continue to grow into the best version of myself. However, I ended my Sunday eating a bag of cheezies for dinner. Yeah, you know the ones, the crunchie Hawkins cheezies – the BEST! Now, why would I fill my body with junk knowing I’ll regret it tomorrow (I did), knowing it impacts my energy (I didn’t want to get out of bed on Monday), and knowing I would shame myself for days after (I have been) because of this choice. For me, I know this behaviour is a direct response to an emotional state. It happens when I feel insecure, or sad, or not enough. For many of you your triggers might lead you to different coping mechanisms that might not be food, like over-exercising, smoking, drinking, or constant nitpicking.

What I’m struggling with is why do I believe I should get an opinion? How can I sit here and write these posts for others on being positive, and striving for more, and encouraging you to go for your dreams when I have no idea what you’re feeling... 

Well, the truth is, I will never know what you are feeling. 

I will never know your experience because I am not you. I can only live my experience and share with you my words. I don’t pretend to sit here and understand what you are going through and I don’t pretend like I have all the answers. But maybe just maybe one thing will impact ONE person and this will be worth it. I work on fighting my little gremlins just like you.

How many of you feel guilty for your experience or situation? Your partner is on the front lines and you are safe at home. Your wife is pregnant and she’s scared of delivery, but you can’t fix it. Your friend lost their job, and you are still working. Your kids cant see their friends and you can’t explain why. Your parents are drowning in anxiety and you’re not there to help.

These scenarios are just a few that you may be experiencing. What’s important is that you can only live your experience. You can only control your mindset and how you are showing up. Do what you can and hold space for others, but don’t carry it for them, you can’t. You are you and that is all you are able to be. 

So is it true, that I don’t get an opinion? Some might think, yeah pipe down Stepa, stay in your lane. Or maybe just maybe, some of you are encouraged and have found nuggets of positivity and light. Instead of letting the tiny little gremlins win, or the nay-sayers to put me down, I’m choosing to believe my voice matters. My hope is that my messages and posts are reaching some of you. 

I’m choosing to stay positive. I’m choosing to keep writing. I’m choosing to thrive because if I can’t thrive when my life is safe, secure, and healthy, how will I ever get through life when times get hard.

I hope you are choosing to fight off your guilt and kicking those tiny little gremlins to the curb because you deserve love, happiness, and hope in your life. Today and always.

With all my love its time to pump it up!!

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With so much gratitude,

-S

P.S. I don’t know if I’m supposed to share these kinds of stories, and tell you I have insecurities about the exact thing I’m preaching about. But I believe in being authentic. I think so many of us post positive quotes and talk the talk, but behind closed doors, we’re eating a bag of cheezies or we’re crying in the closet. Its easier to just pretend everything is ok. Well it's not always ok, and it's not always easy. But we keep on going because it matters. Because I am made for more and so are you.

P.P.S. My mama just told me she's been commenting on my posts and I DIDNT KNOW! I'm trying to find your comments and haven't yet so please know I'm not ignoring you, I just haven't seen them!